if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
