Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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