ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
