So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
