I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
