is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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