Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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