I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
