i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
