I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
