so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's blow job season.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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