I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
