I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
