I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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