***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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