my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
