it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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