I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
