Cold hands, warm shart.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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