remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i now understand why vodka
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
