it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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