I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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