3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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