The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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