I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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