what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
