A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
