You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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