i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
