Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
