Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
