Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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