i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
