I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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