Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
