Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
