if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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