My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
