just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
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And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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