fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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