don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
