her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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