lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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