i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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