I cannot find my penis.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
