if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
