; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
