R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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