i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern