I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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