i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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