she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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