my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize