hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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