the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
