we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
