I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
