textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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