i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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