explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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